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Rob ONeil, the member of Seal Team Six who shot Osama Bin Laden had this to say about General 'Mad Dog' Mattis the new Secretary of Defense.  "He has a bear rug in his home but the bear is not dead.  He is just too scared to move."
 
A Vancouver Island resident became enraged finding a car that in his opinion was parked too close to his. He managed to slash his leg along with the tire and attempted to drive himself to the hospital but was forced to call 911 due to the severe bleeding. Police laid  charges. He should get an honorable mention at the Darwin awards. ;D
 
The Winnabago story has been around a long, long, long time, it's also been debunked for a long long long long time, Wendy Northcutt who ran Darwin Awards and others have contacted Winnabago, and searched police records from shore to shore and in fact around the world. No such accident.

Some of the others however I have read in verified news sources however.. including the Toddler and the soft drink thrown at the boyfriend one.

THIS IS TRUE  (Deletes paces add www. and .com) is a site ran by Randy Cassingham.

He also runs TRUE STELLA AWARDS  or did..... I forget if he still does of if he dropped that one..

Randy and I often chat via E-mail. After all I'm a retired police dispatcher and he's an EMT and we are both ham radio operators.

Some of the stories he has published I had either first hand or direct knowledge of (They involved my employer and were also in the departmental news, And in some cases I interviewed the Troopers involved)

His news letter is often very amusing.. Example  a recent story had to do with a man who wanted a new Big Screen TV. So he went to Wal*mart  loaded it in his cart and headed out (Without paying of course) Store Security had been watching and when they approached he tried to run back into the store and loose himself in the "Crowd" of shoppers.  Now most days this might be a good plan and might have worked, But on SHOP WITH A COP Day.......  (Yup. Suspect in custody).
 
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

If you can conquer tension without medical help.

If you can relax without alcohol, It you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

V

V

V

V


Then you are probably the family dog.
 
To Tom Hoffman,

I always appreciate the jokes you put on here. Please keep them coming. We all need a laugh from time to time and something I look forward to.
 
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: ?Hi sweetheart. It?s Sue. I?m on the train.?

?Yes, I know it?s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.?

?No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.?

?No sweetheart, you?re the only one in my life?.

?Yes, I?m sure, cross my heart!?

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, ?Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.?

Sue doesn?t use her cell phone in public any longer.




 
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonds exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
 
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.  :(

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. :'(

The old farmer said, ?Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I?d nod my head in agreement.?

?And what about the men?? the minister asked. ?They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.?  8)
 
In the "This is no joke" department.. but.. Well.  The best, I mean the BEST, comedians are..... Crooks

Man was upset with his order at a McDonalds. So he jumped the counter and started shooting his guns... Bright Yellow NERF guns (Totally harmless)

Almost as bad as the guy (At least he had a real gun) who tried to rob a bar, Sign on the door said "Closed, Private party".. and he crashed the party... A retirement party for a cop.

Now that's one I have from two different sources, different bars, different cities,, And I believe both are true.

Man gets stopped for a traffic violation, Claims to be good friends with the chief, (Can not prounce the chief's name correctly) Finally  as the LEO (Law Enforcement Officer) Returns his paperwork and ticket the violator asks if the LEO even knows the chief.

"Sort of, I sleep with his wife" was the response  (In case you have not guessed, he was the chief).
 
Paraprosdokian

Is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected - and oft times humorous:

1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they?d eventually find me attractive.

2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they?re flashing behind you.

3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. I?m great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

6. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

7. Take my advice - I?m not using it.

8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

9. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they?re at home when you wish they were.

10. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

11. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

12. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

14. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

15. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

16. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

18. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn?t find it.

19. If at first you don?t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

20. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

21. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

22. Money is the root of all wealth.

23. No matter how much you push the envelope, it?ll still be stationery.


 
Some of the artists of the 60?s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman?s Hermits ... Mrs. Brown You?ve Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees ... How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
3. Bobby Darin ... Splish splash, I Was Havin? a flash.
4. Ringo Starr ... l Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack ... The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash ... I Can?t See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon ... Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores ... Once. Twice. Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye ... I heard it Through the Grape Nuts.
l0. Procol Harem ... A Whiter shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer ... You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations ... Papa?s Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba ... Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando ... Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy ... I Am Woman. Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson ... On the Commode Again.
17. Leslie Gore ... lt?s My Procedure and I?ll Cry if I Want To.
 
Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I?ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don?t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one ... If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can?t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain ... good!

Q: Aren?t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ?Round? is shape!

Well ... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ?WOO-HOO, what a ride!!?

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here?s the final word on nutrition and health. It?s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
My Doctor (Asian) was harping about a measly 3 pounds I had gained. He said I needed to do "pushes". I repeated "pushes"? Yea Pushes..  (ME)You mean push ups, at my age? (DR.) NO No No... "pushes"  "Push you ass away from the table"

He is a funny dude, but I did cut down on my intake of broccoli.

Cheers

 
True story, not really funny and not worth a thread all on it's own so I will put it here.

I stopped in Wawa gas station the other day to fill up on gas. For those of you who have never heard of Wawa it is a very successful chain of convenience stores/gas stations on the east coast named after the Wawa neighborhood of Philadelphia. Any how I listen to a collection of 3000 of my all time favorite songs that I keep on a flash drive hooked up to my car stereo and they play randomly. As soon as I finished filling up I pulled out of the gas station and immediately the song Wah Wah by George Harrison started to play. The song has nothing to do with gas stations or wah wah pedals but it sure seemed eerie when it came on. Almost as strange as the time I was driving on I-10 across country. There is a 60 mile stretch where it goes through the small southern tip of Alabama and one trip as I was driving that part of the road Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd came on the stereo. Oh well, it doesn't take much to amuse me. ???
 
'I stopped in Wawa gas station the other day to fill up on gas.' :eek: Whaaat? I had to do a double take, Wawa Ontario is in the throes of winter. ;D
 
When I had a touring bike, I used to transfer my Sirius radio receiver to it when we went on a long trip.  My driveway is a 3/4 mile long dirt road that leads to the highway. 
We were leaving on a 1800 mile trip on the bikes one time.  As we got to the paved road and took off, I reached up and turned on the Sirius.  First song that came on?  "Born to be Wild", followed by "Can't Find My Way Home". 
 
The Difference if you Marry a Canadian Woman.

Three Men married Women from Different Parts of the World.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders to clean the house, do all the dishes and cook.

By the third day, he noticed a big difference, house was clean, dishes washed, and always a large meal waiting on the table.

The third man married a Canadian woman. He orders her to do the dishes, clean the house, do laundry, cook and mow the lawns.

On the first day he didn?t see anything, on the second day still nothing, on the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees!

 
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