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How'd Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

Answering the iron.

How's Helen Keller drive?

One hand on wheel the other on the road.

What did Helen Kellers parents do to her for punishment?

Put a plunger in the toilet.
OHHHH yer gonna be smokin a brown round smelly biscuit in hell fer that one.........but it was funny!
 
Years ago we had the ”Norman Rockwell” Thanksgiving of the whole turkey on the dining room table. Someone made the remark “that’s a big bird” which sent my son screaming from the room. Took some convincing it was not The Big Bird. And yes, we still chuckle over it.
 
A long read but well put together - Sympathies to all ya'll living up north.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:
Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but. they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob-who has a plow on his truck-for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he comes down the street...at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents...but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to feed her through a chipper shredder.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $4,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed ???

-Author Unknown
 
When my family moved from Chicago to Los Angeles in 1959 I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I was correct, I was in heaven since there is no snow to shovel in heaven.

Los Angeles where I developed my philosophy that snow belongs on Christmas cards and mountains.

My brother and I would drive up Mt. Baldy as far as possible, then hike upto the snowline and bag up a bunch of snow. Drive back down to Upland and have a snow fight.

In the afternoon we would hit the beaches...
 
Los Angeles where I developed my philosophy that snow belongs on Christmas cards and mountains.

My brother and I would drive up Mt. Baldy as far as possible, then hike upto the snowline and bag up a bunch of snow. Drive back down to Upland and have a snow fight.

In the afternoon we would hit the beaches...
Mount Baldy! Haven't heard that name in MANY years. I grew up in Fullerton.
 
I spent Thanksgiving in Fort Collins last week. Got an honest 8" of snow by Saturday morning and had to drive back to ABQ in it. Fortunately the worst of it was north of Denver. Was able to demonstrate to DW it is possible to do donuts in a front wheel drive car with traction control. Made the best use of the snow by lining a cardboard box with a trash bag, putting the thanksgiving leftovers in it and filling it with snow before we left - poor man's cold storage. Got back to ABQ and it was enough snow in the box to toss a few snowballs around the front yard. I grew up in WI and there was no worse sound to hear than waking to the city snowplows going by. That usually meant a school snow day but also meant a day of hard labor shoveling. At least cutting grass in the summer didn't give you frostbite. My hands hurt just thinking about it. Around here a leaf blower will take care of any dusting of snow we might get.

Mark B.
Albuquerque, NM
 
Around here a leaf blower will take care of any dusting of snow we might get.
Well, it depends- I recall one May 7th snowstorm in ABQ that had 8" of snow when I got off work at 0800, but by 1000 the roads were just wet. I'm not sure how much downtown got (that's where I worked), but it was close to that. But when I got home (just east of Juan Tabo & Comanche) it was 8" before the sun came out.

I also recall a few other snows there that were quite a bit more than just a dusting, though they didn't usually stick around long.
 
A long read but well put together - Sympathies to all ya'll living up north.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER:
Moved to North Dakota this fall. We heard that summers are fun and winter is beautiful. We think there is no more beautiful a place in the whole world!

Ah. there's allways a song about that.. Don't much matter what that is. there's always song.
Swallow first please
On and if you wonder how I find songs like this
Why Public Radio.. originally WDET Detroit but now WKAR Radio in lansing. 6PM on a Sunday evening (Eastern time) Folk with Matt Watroba... Some of the pieces he plays are .. Rather Good.

 
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