Post a joke

[Roy M]

;D That is good

 

[Gene50]

Don?t let them sell the house too soon!

 

[TonyL]

I was sitting in the lounge the other day minding my own business when the wife walked in and asked what was on the TV,
Looks like dust I replied, then it went dark.?

 

[Domo]

Lawyer is driving home and stops at a light. Looking to the right he sees a family of four on their hands and knees with their faces deep in the curbside grass.


He rolls down his window and hollers to them. The father looks up and has green saliva and shredded grasses around his mouth and chin. The wife looks up, disheveled and despondent.


The father says, "I lost my job, we have no savings, our house was repossessed and this is the only way I can feed my family."


The lawyer exclaims, "I can help! Please get into my car, we're going to MY HOUSE!"


The family all stand up and head to the car, the wife has tears of relief while the children hug each other and cry from joy. The father continuously states his thanks and they all get into the back seat of the car.


As the light changes the lawyer spreads his hands apart as if to praise Jesus and says, "Yup, I can help - heck, the grass is about this high at my house!"

 

[Seon]

My buddy runs out of the room with tears running down his check yelling "It's a boy..It's a boy!"

That was 10 yrs ago in Thailand.

 

[ziplock]

Dang shame he didn't have a girl?  Or was it the tears dripping on the "check"?

Shoo.

 

[Dan de La Mesa]

This elevated my self-esteem considerably. If yours is needing a boost, maybe it will help yours, too.

No matter how stupid you feel, just remember that Little Red Riding Hood couldn?t figure out that a talking wolf in drag wasn?t her grandmother.

 

[ziplock]

That's exactly how I felt!  OH MY!

 

[Roy M]

Now that is funny!!

 

[Seon]

The other night the wife sent me to buy a dozen Escargot for dinner. On the way home I stopped at the corner bar for a drink or two with the boys...wrong move. I got drunk and several hours later on my way home the brown bag ripped open spilling the snails so I scooped them up and placed them in my breast pockets. When I went to unlock the front door I dropped my key. So when I bent over to pick the key up all the snails spilled out on the floor

Just then my angry wife swung the door open so I murmured, ? Keep going guys, we're almost home?.

 

[Dragginourbedaround]

The other night the wife sent me to buy a dozen Escargot for dinner. On the way home I stopped at the corner bar for a drink or two with the boys...wrong move. I got drunk and several hours later on my way home the brown bag ripped open spilling the snails so I scooped them up and placed them in my breast pockets. When I went to unlock the front door I dropped my key. So when I bent over to pick the key up all the snails spilled out on the floor

Just then my angry wife swung the door open so I murmured, ? Keep going guys, we're almost home?.

;D

 

[Dan de La Mesa]

The devil whispered to me, "I'm coming for you."  I whispered back, "Bring pizza."

 

[Dan de La Mesa]

Okay, one more.

If 2020 was a math word-problem:  If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

 

[Tom55555]

My neighborhood is so poor the credit card companies send out "Pre Dis-approved" letters.

 

[Tom55555]

A police officer pulls over a guy for going 70 in a 55 speed zone.

He tells the cop he was only going 60.

His wife says, you were going 70.

The man tells his wife to shut up.

The cop asks his wife if her husband always talks to her that way.

The wife says, only when he's been drinking.

 

[Tom55555]

Do you know what you call a beer in an Irishmen's hand?

Irish handcuffs.

Just kidding.

 

[SeilerBird]

Everyone knows I won.

 

[John From Detroit]

Everyone knows I won.

Ok The moderators can close this tread now 'cause topping that one.. NOT going to happen

 

[Dan de La Mesa]

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

 

[Jim18655]

Do you know what you call a beer in an Irishmen's hand?

Irish handcuffs.

Just kidding.

From my Italian son-in-law
What do you call a broken arm on an Italian?

A speech impediment.